American Jokes

======= 1 =======

Hillary Clinton dies and goes to Heaven.

She meets St. Peter at the Gates,

and notices thousands of clocks.

"What are all these clocks for?" she asks

St. Peter. "Each person has one,

" he replied. "They start at midnight, and

every time someone tells a lie,

it moves ahead one minute. This one is

Mother Teresa's. She never lied,

so it never moved. This one is George

Washington's. He told only two,

so it is at two minutes past midnight."

Hillary looks around and asks,

"So, where is Bill's clock?" "Oh ,"St. Peter

chuckled, "Jesus has that one in his office.

He's using it as a ceiling

fan."

==== 2 =====

Hilary is not feeling well.

She goes to her doctor and gets a complete

physical, only to find out that she is pregnant.

She is furious and can't

believe this has happened.

She calls the White House and gets Bill on the

phone, and immediately begins to

berate him, screaming:

"How could you have

let this happen? With all of the trouble

going on right now, you go and get

me pregnant!!! How could you?!

I just found out I am pregnant and

it is your fault! How could you??? What

have you got to say???"

There is nothing but silence on the phone.

She screams again: "CAN YOU HEAR

ME???

Bill's quiet voice comes on in a barely

audible whisper..."Who is this?"

======== 3 =========

The wives of four presidents and

prime minister are talking together about

how a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says in

England people call it a gentleman,

because it stands up when women are

entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia

you call it a patriot, because you

never know if it will hit you on

the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says in France

you call it a curtain, because it goes

down after the act.

Well, the wife of Clinton says in

the USA you call it a rumor, because it

goes from mouth to mouth

======= 4 =========

Bill and Monica are in the Whitehouse

when Bill invites Monica into the Oval

office because he wants to show

her a clock. While in the office Clinton

pulls down his pants and whips out his unit.

Monica gasps, Mr. Clinton that's

not a clock, it's a cock!

Bill replies, well Monica if you put 2

hands and a face on it, it's a clock

==== 5 ==========

Jerry Falwell was seated next to

President Clinton on a recent flight. After

the plane was airborne, the flight

attendant came around for drink orders.

The President asked for a whisky

& soda, which was brought and placed before

him.

The attendant then asked the

minister if he would also like a drink.

The minister replied in disgust,

"Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a

brazen whore, than let

liquor touch these lips!"

The President then handed his drink

back to the attendant and said, "I'm

sorry, I didn't know there was a choice.

========= 6 =========

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst

into the living quarters at the White

House and said, "Mom & Dad,

I have some great news for you.

I am getting

married to the greatest hunk in

Washington! He lives in Georgetown

and his

name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took

Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with

you. Your Mother and

I have been married a long time.

She's a wonderful wife but

she's never offered much excitement in the

bedroom, so I have fooled around

with other women a lot. Matt is actually

your half-brother, and I'm afraid

you can't marry him." Chelsea was

heartbroken, but after eight months

she eventually started dating again.

A year later she came home and

very proudly announced,

"Robert asked me to

marry him! We're getting married

in June." Again, her father insisted on

another private conversation and

broke the sad news. "Robert is your

half-brother too, Honey. I'm

wfully sorry about this." Chelsea became

furious upon hearing

what her Dad had to say.

She decided to go to her

Mother and tell her about his numerous

infidelities. After Chelsea told

her Mom everything, she concluded crying,

"Dad has done so much harm.

I guess I'm never going to get married. Every

time I fall in love, Dad tells

me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head and replied,

"Don't pay any attention to what he

says dear. He's not really your father."

===== 7 =========

The history teacher wanted to award

some of her students with a prize of

going home early on Friday. So

she said "anyone that

answers the following

questions first with the correct

answer gets to go home! Little Johnny

thinks to himself "man I

really need to go home early".

The teacher asks who said,

" Ask not what my country can

do for me but, what

can I do for my country"?

Mary raises her hand first

and says "John Kennedy.

The teacher says correct,

you may go home.

Next she asks who said,

"I have a dream";

Peggy raises her hand and says

Martin Luther King".

"Correct" says the teacher

you may go home.

"Damn I wish those bitches had kept

their mouths shut," says Little Johnny.

"Who said that?" asks the

teacher angrily?

Bill Clinton! "See you Monday,

Teach" answers Johnny

going out the door.

======= 8 ========

One morning while his wife was

making breakfast, a man

walked up to her and

gave her a healthy

pinch on her butt.

He said to her, "If you firmed up

your butt we could get rid of your

girdle."

The wife was angry but said nothing.

The next morning her husband pinched

her breast and said,

"If you firmed these up we

could get rid of your bra."

The wife grabbed her husband's

penis and replied, "and if you firmed this up

we could get rid of the mailman,

the gardener, the pool man,

and your

bother!"

======= 9 ========

A woman is in bed with her lover

who also happens to be her husband's best

friend. They make love for hours,

and afterwards, while they're just laying

there, the phone rings. Since it is

the woman's house, she picks up the

receiver. Her lover looks over at her

and listens, only hearing her side of

the conversation. ..

(She is speaking in a cheery voice)

'Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you

called. Really? That's wonderful.

I am so happy for you. That sounds

terrific. Great!

Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.'

She hangs up the telephone and

her lover asks, 'Who was that?'

'Oh' she replies, 'That was my husband

telling me all about the wonderful

time he's having on

his fishing trip with you.'

=========== 10 ========

A woman gets out of the bath and

puts on a towel.

Her husband comes into the

bathroom to go to the toilet.

The doorbell rings.

The woman goes to answer

it wearing only the towel.

She opens the door to

find her next door neighbor

Bob standing on the doorstep.

Bob wolf whistles and says 'I'll give you £200

if you drop the towel'.

The woman doesn't want to

miss out on £200, so she

drops the towel. Bob takes a good

look at the naked woman then says his

goodbyes and leaves. As the woman

closes the door her husband comes down

stairs. 'Who was that?' He asks.

'It was Bob' She says. 'Oh right, did he

give you that £200 that he owes me?'

======== 11 ===========

A man has six children and he is

very proud of his achievement. He is so

proud of himself that he starts calling

his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of

her objections.

One night they go to a party.

The man decides that it's

time to go home, and

he wants to find out if his wife is

ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the

top of his voice, "shall we go home,

Mother of Six?" His wife irritated by

her husband's lack of discretion,

shouts back, "anytime

you're ready, Father

of Four!"